


the wildemount job

by Ffwydriad



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Leverage Fusion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Humor, Minor Fjord/Jester Lavorre, more tags to come w each chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: "Hitter. Hacker. Thief. Probably Mastermind. Grifter. Another Hitter. And also a civilian I guess."Or, the Mighty Nein commit a lot of crimes, and do a lot of good, and mostly do those at the same time. (Leverage AU).





	1. the curious beginnings job

He's sitting at a bar, like he has every night this week. Like he has every night for quite a while, and probably will until he either finds something or gives up. He's almost ready to give up on this bar - it's a dead end, and it doesn't look like anyone useful is coming in, anytime soon, when the man sits next to him.

"Mr. Vandren," he says, which is enough to grab immediate attention, "I don't meant to bother you, but, well, I've been looking for you for a while now." He's in a clean pressed suit, the watch on his wrist is expensive, this guy is important, or, at least, he thinks he is. "I've heard so much. The stolen Monets, the identity theft circle - amazing work, just amazing. You must have saved that company hundreds of millions. And then, your own-"

Not useful in the slightest, it seems, and he sets the drink down. "Do you want an autoraph or something?" he asks, voice laced heavily with sarcasm. "Cause if I were you, I'd think about shutting up and leaving, real soon."

"I want to offer you a job," the man continues.

Which is completely unexpected, if he's being honest. Not what he's looking for, but work is work. Recent events have left him with, well. "What'd'ya got?"

The man leans back. He grins, looks proud of himself. "Do you know anything about airplane design, Mr. Vandren?" he asks.

That's getting fucking annoying. "I'm not - it's just Fjord, man." He's never been Mr. Vandren for anything, and now, he certainly never will. "Do I look like I know anything about airplane design?"

"Someone stole my airplane designs," the guy continues.

"And you want me to find them for you, right?"

"No," he says. "I know exactly where they are. What I want is for you to steal them back."

"I think you've got the wrong man," he says, and leans back, moves to stand up. "I'm not a thief."

"No, no, thieves I got, a whole crew of them." He tosses over the file. Fjord flips through it. "Do you know any of them?"

He reads the names over, quickly. He's got to admit, it's an impressive fucking crew. "I know all of them, man, these guys are-" his eyes go a little bit wide, as he hits the last file. "Nott? You've got Nott?"

"Is there anyone better?"

"No," he admits, "but Nott's insane." They're all lone wolves, of course, but he's followed some of the shit she's done, and she's got to be certifiable.

"That's where you come in. I have my thieves, I just need an honest man to watch them."

Fjord can't help himself, he laughs. "This is crazy," he says. "You've got three lone wolves here, and you want to hire a guy who's never run a job before to wrangle them? It's not gonna work."

"It's 300,000," the guy finishes. "Are you in?"

He thinks about that, for a good solid minute. "Well, hell," he says, finally. "What do I have to lose?"

* * *

> Fjord "It's just Fjord, man" Vandren. Ex-insurance agent. Ex-sailor. Ex-a lot of things.
> 
> Mastermind.

* * *

"Fjord," comes a sweet, trilling voice, as a blue tiefling skips into the room, sitting down on the table where he's laid out the maps of the building. "It is very good to be working with you. I knew you were going to switch sides and join me one of these days, you are wayyyy too much fun."

He doesn't even look up from finalizing the plans to acknowledge her, because that only prompts more antics. He does, however, crack a smile - even less good would come from ignoring her.

She looks around the set up with a frown, picking up one of the headsets from where they lay. "We need to get you better toys than this," she tells him. "It is your first job, you should really do it in style."

"We don't have time to-" he starts to say.

"It is a very good thing that I am so talented and generous and well-prepared," she continues, pulling out a small box and picking out an earpiece. "These are bone-conduction earpiece mics, which I made by myself with some help from the Traveller and they are way better than these stupid things."

She begins to pass out the earpieces.

"Is that the only change to my plan you're making?" Fjord asks her.

"Nope!"

* * *

>  ??? "Jester" ???. Miracle-worker extraordinaire.
> 
> Hacker.

* * *

"Wow, these are really comfortable," the human leaning against the wall says, slipping one into her ear.

"I only do the best work," Jester informs her with a bright smile.

"Are you sure they won't just fall out?" she asks, and tilts her head side to side, shaking it as a test.

"Of course it is not going to just fall out, they are super perfect and meant to-"

"I mean, sure," Beau says, "but I'm gonna be doing a lot of," she throws a few loose punches in the air, mouthing out a 'pop pop' to go with each imagined hit, and then she fucking uses the wall to flip and land an imagined kick against the air.

Jester stares at her for a few moments, transfixed. "I want to learn how to do that," she says.

"What, the punching? I can teach you, it's not-"

"Also," Jester says, "maybe take a few more. You know. Just in case.

* * *

>  Beauregard "Beau" Lionett. Wanted in 15 countries, officially. Once punched a prince.
> 
> Hitter.

* * *

"Are we go time yet? You can respond to this message," says a voice over the comms.

"We know we can respond," Beau says, "that's how comms fucking work, man."

"That was really amazing, Nott! I didn't even notice that you were in here," Jester says, and she begins to search around the room in an attempt to find the thief. Outside the window, a cord rackets down, and the small goblin falls in to view, and Jester runs up to the window "Oh, wow, that looks like so much fun! Can I try?"

"Did you bring a harness? You can respond to this message."

"No," Jester says forlornly, looking out at Nott with eyes very reminiscent of a puppy.

"Sucks to be you," Nott says. "Seriously, when are we starting this shit? You can respond to this message."

"Yeah, that's going to get annoying," Fjord mutters.

"Heard that! You can respond to this message."

* * *

 

> ??? "Nott" ???. 100 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound bag.
> 
> Thief.

* * *

The job goes really well. They’re in, and they only even see the guards once, and Beau handles that without even breaking a sweat. The files are transferred and then deleted. From outside, the upload goes without a hitch, and they break their separate ways. Within an hour of starting, there isn’t any sign they were even there, aside from the stolen plans.

Maybe it’s a sign, that it went so well, because it seems like nothing in his life ever goes well.

It’s what. Five in the morning? The ringing of his phone wakes him up, and it’s aggravatingly familiar. “Hello?” he says, answering it after scrambling around for a good half minute.

“You screwed me. The designs never got to me.”

He rubs his eyes, but no matter how tired he is, that’s instantly woken him up. “I watched them go out,” he says. He’s not good with computers, but he can tell when something’s being uploaded.

“I don’t know what you saw, but I didn’t receive anything.”

“That’s what you get for trusting them,” he says. Them, in this case, mostly refers to Jester, because she’s an unpredictable wild card who doesn’t actually seem to care about money. She’s also the one who actually had the computer and would’ve been able to mess with things. Although he wouldn’t put something past Nott.

“It’s not my job to trust anybody, that’s what you were supposed to do! I’m freezing the payments. I am freezing all the payments.”

Fuck. He kind of needs that money. “All right,” he says, rubbing his eyes. “Look, I’ll come over there right now, we can straighten this out. No need to-”

“No! You do not come here. I can’t - my company has an old facility outside the city. I’ll text you the address. Be there in an hour, we’ll sort this out.”

“Pleasure doing business with you,” Fjord says, and he can hear his voice being cut off as the other end is hung up.

So - the job goes significantly less well, but he’s not worried. Jester is a force of chaos, but she’s also easily reasoned with. He’s used to her, and he’s sure he can talk her into dealing with this. And if it’s Nott, then Nott is just holding out for more money. She might be crazy, but her motives are incredibly simple.

The facility is a very empty looking warehouse kind of thing. It is, suitably, very abandoned. If anyone is within a mile of this place, you wouldn’t know it. He strolls into it rather casually. He doesn’t even bother scouting it out.

“Fjord!” Jester says, from where she sits on a crate to one side. “I don’t suppose you know what happened to the plans.”

“I assumed you happened to them,” he says. From across the room, he watches Beau crack her knuckles.

“That would be silly,” Jester says. “This was your first job, I wouldn’t ruin it for you.”

“You’re the only one who could’ve,” Beau points out. “I mean, you’re the one who had the file, and the computer. And the. Technology. Stuff.”

“Well technically there are a lot of people who could have technically messed with it also,” Jester says.

“Listen up you fucks!” Comes a voice from the other end, “my money isn’t in my account. It’s supposed to be in my account. I want my money.”

“I guess it wasn’t Nott,” Fjord says, looking at all of them.

“Huh,” Jester says. “You know, it is very interesting that this guy had all of us meet up here,” she says. “You know, really, it would be kind of dumb for him to come here because we are all very mad at him and so it would probably be better if he met with us one on one, you know?”

“Shit,” Beau says. “Would any of you have come here, to get paid?” They all share a look. “No, because we’re not fucking amateurs. We split and we were supposed to stay split. The only way we’d all get back in the same place, at the same time would be this.”

“Fuck,” Fjord says, and they’re all running towards the door.

He moves to pick up Nott, only to find that she’s bolted faster than he thought possible. He’s the last one out the door, sees all three of them ahead of him, and he runs breathlessly and feels the explosion hit his back, pushing him forward and in to the ground.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” someone is saying. His ears are ringing, and it takes him a moment to realize that they’re not just ringing, that there are also sirens closing in on them.

“We need to get out of here. Fast,” he says, stumbling back on to his feet, and she helps him up.

“Four directions. They won’t catch all of us,” Beau suggests.

“Well, sure, if we want to just split again,” Jester says, “but don’t you guys want to, you know, fuck this guy over?” They all look to her. “I mean, he didn’t pay us, and he tried to kill us, and, you know, he ruined Fjord’s first job and it’s really important to start on a high note, you know?”

"Follow me,” Nott says, darting off, and they head through buildings, through alleyways, darting and hiding behind boxes, and eventually, the sirens grow quiet.

“So we are all agreed, then?” Jester asks.

"Fuck yeah,” Beau says. “I really want to punch him in the face. Do we have a plan?”

They all turn to him.

“Give me a minute,” he says, shaking his head. Fuck, has this been a day. And yet, not the wildest shit he’s gotten up to. “I’ve got quite a few,” he says, “but they all need new faces.”

Nott pauses. “I have someone,” she says.

“Are they good?”

“The best,” she says. “If any of you fucks does anything, or tells anyone about this place, or even looks vaguely threatening, I will gut you and feed you to the street cats and no one will find a fucking thing.”

“I’d like to see you try,” Beau says.

“You wouldn’t even see my coming,” Nott says, and flips a knife none of them had noticed in her hand before slipping it back who knows where. Beau looks, if not shaken, a bit worried.

Nott leads them to an apartment, that, while on the cheaper side, is suspiciously normal. She does a special knock, before unlocking the door - with an actual key, and not her picks - and they follow in quickly behind her so as to not make to big a seen, crowded in the hall. They’re far from the most inconspicuous group.

There is a man standing in the kitchen with a coffee mug. He looks at the group of them warrily.

“So, turns out that it was a trap,” Nott says, jumping up on to a stool, “and these fuckers needed a place to crash and also plan revenge.”

“And you brought them here,” the man says, dryly.

“I mean, yes,” she says. “Because they are pretty good and I really want to hurt this guy and also all our plans need someone to grift and you’re so good at it and he tried to blow me up and I thought maybe you could-”

"Nott, I’m a civilian,” he says. “I’m not going to - did you say he tried to blow you up?”

* * *

> Caleb Widogast. Nott’s roommate and best friend.
> 
> “Civilian”

* * *

After a lengthy explanation, and a lot of pleading on Nott’s part, Caleb… doesn’t agree to help them. But, he doesn’t kick them out of the apartment.

And, somewhat begrudgingly, he calls what he terms as ‘a friend’ and Nott refers to as ‘that asshole’ and, unsurprisingly, neither of them elaborate.

Fjord tries to find some way to get back at this guy assuming it’s just them. He can think about ways to steal the money, easily, but there’s a difference between that and revenge. And he asks - they all agree that what isn’t money, or, well, isn’t just money. It’s revenge. Bloody, extravagant revenge.

He doesn’t know why he’s in charge of making these plans, but hey, he’s getting some ideas, at least.

There is a knock at the door, that isn’t special, and they all duck out of way to hide, as Caleb opens the door.

A bright purple tiefling who looks like someone took a patchwork quilt, made it in to a person, and decided, not chaotic enough, wraps his arm around Caleb’s shoulder, and spreads out to examine the whole group.

“I came as soon as I heard you needed my help,” he says, grinning. “Mollymauk Tealeaf, the world’s greatest grifter, at your service.”

* * *

 

> Mollymauk Tealeaf. The world’s greatest grifter.
> 
> ...Grifter.

* * *

“Do you want me to-” comes a voice from behind him. Caleb ducks out from the arm and heads back towards the chair where he’s been sitting, reading, and ignoring them for the whole time. Mollymauk steps to the side as well, and doesn’t press the issue, instead turning his eye over the rest of the group.

“Stay, stay” he says, and an imposingly tall and very goth woman steps in to the apartment behind him. “I’m sure this group could use all the help it can get.”

“Hey!” Beau says, “the only reason we need people is because this guy knows all our faces. We’re pretty fucking good at this shit.”

“I like your coat,” Jester says, jumping up from where she’s ingrained herself on the floor in a mess of monitors, keyboards, and cables. “And I like your eyes, they’re very pretty.”

“Thanks,” the woman says. And stands there, kind of awkwardly.

* * *

> Yasha Nydoorin. Absolute badass.
> 
> Hitter.

* * *

The first job was smooth. The second job, not smooth, it was messy as fuck, but none of them can say it doesn’t go absolutely perfectly, in getting them (way, way) more money than ad been kept from them, and providing perfect revenge without even a sign they were ever involved.

“You need to invite me on more jobs,” Molly tells Nott. “This crew of yours is amazing.”

“We aren’t a crew,” Nott says. “This is a one time thing.”

“We split and walk away and never see each other again,” Beau says.

“I mean, you know that isn’t true,” Jester says. “I mean, I have seen you before and I am going to see you again. Also,” and she pauses, and swishes her tail, “that was the most fun I’ve had on a job in a while.”

“You’re not wrong,” Molly says. “I like the idea of running cons to screw over assholes.”

“I guess I could stick around,” Beau says. “I like punching businessmen. It’s fucking fun.”

Everyone looks at Fjord, and he looks at all of them.

"I’m not a criminal,” he says.

“You just committed crimes,” Beau says. “Pretty sure you’re a criminal.”

“You know what I fucking mean, Beau,” Fjord growls. “I don’t - I don’t do this shit.”

“Yeah, but,” Jester says, “you always like helping people, and I think we could do a lot of helping people by getting revenge on really rich people who are being very shitty and we need someone to do the planning and you were very good at it and-”

“It’s also a shit load of money,” Nott points out. “You’re kind of homeless right now, aren’t you?”

“Fuck it,” Fjord says. “Yeah, I’m in.”

"Yes!” Jester says. “What about you, Yasha, Caleb?”

“I don’t know,” Yasha says. “I have to leave quite often.” She glances to Molly. “But when I am here, I suppose I could work with you.”

“I am not a part of this group,” Caleb says, from across the room. “I have never been a part of this group.”

“He’s just saying that,” Nott says. “What do you think our team name should be?”

“Uh,” Beau says. “I don’t know. The Get Shit Done people.

“Someone has to be a better namer than her,” Molly says.

“Uh,” Jester says, “maybe the Magnificent - no, no, the Mighty-” Jester says, pacing back and forth a bit.

“Caleb, you’re great at naming things,” Nott says, “what do you think?”

“Nein,” Caleb says, from across the room.

“The Mighty Nein!” Jester calls out. “Perfect!”

Caleb doesn’t bother holding back the groan that comes out of him at hearing the name, but he doesn’t offer any complaints.

The Mighty Nein. Well, it suits them, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be a proper story and then i realized how fucking hard heists are to write and so instead it's just a bunch of m9 leverage au shenanigans. the other chapters probably won't be this long because this is kind of shoving a lot of stuff together as an intro to the whole au set up. 
> 
> i stand by all my decisions as to who has what role. also, yeah, fjord is ford, and i can't stop finding that hilarious.


	2. houseguests

There is a plate of pastries sitting on the counter, a massive network of computer screens, monitors, and wires across the coffee table, and a bright blue tiefling sprawled across his couch. 

He did not hear her come in, which is either a sign that Nott has given her a key or that she is as good at breaking into places as Nott is, both very likely and very worrying concepts. More worrying is the fact that the hidden cameras he has over this room don't pick her up. He's not entirely sure how she managed that, especially since they aren't connected to any network, and the feeds are still live. 

"Good morning, Caleb," Jester says, not looking up from where she's typing away on the set up which has claimed the area that was set aside for a television that was never bought. He makes his way over to the kitchen, and pours himself coffee. "I brought pastries for breakfast if you want them. They are from Nicodranas and they have cinnamon and they are very good so eat as many as you want, but if you could leave some for Nott as well that would be good."

"That is very nice of you," he says, and microwaves a breakfast sandwich from the pack in the freezer. 

Of all the members of this group of theirs, the Mighty Nein, to have decided his apartment is now their semi-permanent home, he must admit, he is grateful it is Jester. He would prefer Yasha, of course, but the problem there is that with Yasha comes, inevitably, Mollymauk.

Jester is certainly excitable, but she is at least pleasant, considerate enough to bring gifts (although, he is not certain how much that is a gift and not just what she wants), and is at least fairly good at keeping herself contained to her workspace. If she is snooping around through their rooms, it is with a great deal of subtlety, and if it weren't for the fact she was capable of breaking in without any notice, he would think her incapable of any subtlety at all. 

Mostly, he is grateful that Beauregard and Fjord are only here when they are working. The hitter is sharper than she pretends, and he doesn't want to know, what her eyes see, looking at him. For Fjord, well, he has never trusted masterminds. 

The whole group of them worries him, of course. They are a disaster, waiting to occur. They are tempting fate, he thinks, because their targets are all rich and powerful and cruel and that is a dangerous combination of things. It is inevitable, until it collapses down around them, and on him and Nott as well. 

Not that he would ever say this, especially to Nott. He is proud of her, for forming this group, for seeking out partners to watch her back, for trying to do good. 

"Caleb," Jester says, "Caleb, come look at what I found, holy shit." She gestures up to her screens and points out the data that has come to light, on their current victim. "Do you know what this means?"

He looks it over. "Your mark is very good at covering his tracks?" he says, because the transfer of money is very precisely hidden.

"We can tie him to the mob!" Jester says excitedly. "I mean, he is not actually involved with them, which is good, but this makes it really, really easy to bring the Feds down on him."

For what is far from the first time, he is very glad, that Jester is not trying to go after him, because she is a terrifying force of nature to behold. 

He sits down at the table while he works, and if he listens in, as she plans, or takes a glance over to see snippets of her code, well, it is only because she is very loud and hard to ignore. 

And if he points out flaws in their plans while she watches them on the security feed, well, he is only looking out for Nott. He is certainly not growing close to this group, and even more certainly not joining them. 

Caleb Widogast is a civilian, after all.

 


	3. a very distinctive blue

“What sound is that?” Dairon asks.

“A gun,” Beau says, leaning back in her chair.

“What gun?” Dairon asks her. Their arms are crossed, and they’re frowning, which is the usual look for these lessons.

Beau sighs. “Sub machine guns,” she says, “probably like, 9 mil ammo?”

“Probably?”

“There’s a mix, alright?” Beau says.

“With what?”

Beau groans. “There is no way that this will ever matter,” she says. “Pretty sure the important thing is: oh, shit, people with guns, not what ammo they’re using.”

Dairon frowns deeper. “NATO 5.56 rounds,” she says. “Which tells us these are most likely contractors. Which tells you their training style and motives, and gives you a better plan of action.”

“How the hell do you expect me to memorize this?” Beau asks. “Seriously, every day it’s a hundred fucking books and tapes and classes on the history of everything ever. No one can keep that straight, much less ‘oh I can identify everything I need to know off of six seconds of gunfire’ which is just-“

“You’re right,” Dairon says. “It’s excessive. But I’ve been in situations where the only thing that got me out alive was this training. So if you’d rather go in to the field unprepared, well, be my fucking guest.”

* * *

 

“Yeah, the contractors did it, for sure,” Beau says, as soon as the video feed cuts off.

“How the hell do you know that?” Nott asks her.

“The shots are NATO 5.56 and 9 mil from the submachine guns. Insurgents wouldve used AKs.” She looks at the whole room, looking at her. “What, it’s a very distinctive sound!”

“You got all of that from the sound?” Jester asks. “That’s so cool! I want to learn how to do that!”

Beau looks Jester over for a few moments. “Yeah, no, you don’t,” she says.

“Yes, yes, we’re all very impressed,” Molly says. “So, These fucks definitely did it. What’s our game plan to make ‘em pay for it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, bc my computers dead and I’m still getting used to writing on my phone. thanks to all y’alls love on these last few chapters, means the world to me. 
> 
> I really like how the Cobalt souls whole knowledge with power meshes with Eliot “it’s a very distinctive” spencer. Also, Beau is a fucking genius nerd, even if she’s too lazy to commit to it. This AU is no different.


	4. games hitters play

Caleb glances up from his reading. “Can you not do that on my kitchen counter?” He asks. “Or in my house?”

“It’s cool!” Beau calls out. “We’re using a board, not your counter tops, we’re being pretty fucking polite about it!”

“No, I saw that, I just don’t want to deal with all of your blood in my kitchen,” Caleb tells her. 

“What the hell are you two doing?” Fjord asks, looking up from where he’s looking over the files on their next mark. 

“A Xhorhassian game,” Yasha says, not looking up from where she focuses on Beauregard, who is holding said knife, stabbing it into the board her hand is laid against at a quick pace. “It is called Stabbing Knife Game.”

“Ooh, can I try?” Jester asks, standing up to watch. Beau finishes her round and hands the knife over to Yasha. 

“Probably not the best idea, darling,” Molly says. He shows her a few nasty scars on his fingers. “It takes a bit of getting used to, and you need your fingers.”

“I mean, I don’t know, I am a pretty good doctor you guys,” Jester tells them. 

“Molly’s probably right,” Beau says. “Although to be fair, he probably just sucks at it.”

“I’m certainly better than you,” Molly says, sitting down next to them. “Want me to prove it to you?”

Suddenly, the knife is out of Yashas hands. 

Nott sits cross legged on the counter. “If I prove I’m better than you two, will you stop playing the game? It’s giving Caleb anxiety.”

“Schatz, you joining in will not help in that regard!”

“Sure,” Beau says, sliding the board over. “But that’s a pretty big if.”

The four of them watch as Nott warms up once, twice, and then, faster than they can even see, stabs into the board between her fingers, back and forth three times and then, even faster, in a complex pattern she hums to herself. She pulls her hand away as she stabs down to where her palm had been, and kicks the board back over to Beau. 

“Damn,” the hitter mutters. “That was pretty fucking cool. 

“And I won?” Nott asks. 

“Hell yeah you did,” Beau says. 

“That was very impressive, Nott,” Yasha adds. 

“And I’m better than you at everything ever?” Nott asks. 

Beau frowns, and crosses her arms. “I think that’s pushing it,” she says. 

“And you’re going to stop playing these stupid fucking games in my apartment?” Nott asks. 

Beau looks over at Yasha, who shrugs. “Yeah, yeah, not in the house,” she says, waving her hand. 

“Fucking great,” Fjord grumbles. “You guys wanna help me plan this or what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep trying to write like these losers going on missions and being cool con artists (or, well, dorky failures) but instead I wrote about them nearly stabbing themselves in a kitchen for fun.


	5. grifts

Fjord leans back with a sigh. “You’re going to have to do it,” he tells her.

“What? Come on!” Beau says. “I’m not a grifter, it’s not my job!”

“This isn’t even grifting,” Molly says. “If I wasn’t busy playing two other roles and singlehandedly carrying the whole con on my back-“

“Oh fuck off,” Beau rolls her eyes. “Why can’t, I don’t know, Jester do it?”

“Jester will be busy hacking his phone as soon as you distract him,” Fjord says, “along with fifty other things she’s working on at the same time.”

“Yasha? Nott?”

“As wonderful as our thief is,” Molly says, “I don’t think this asshole is in to goblins. As for Yasha, I love her with all my heart -“

“Yasha,” Fjord calls out, “How would you flirt with the mark?”

Yasha doesn’t move from where she’s leaning against the world. “Ah, hi,” she says, in a monotone. “Do you come here often?”

“That would work!” Beau says. “That’s a good line! I would totally hit that!”

“You have to remember, we’re dealing with a straight man here,” Molly says, “not someone who’s already hopelessly in love with Yasha.”

Beau splutters out am indignant retort, and shoves Molly away, and he almost trips over a chair before catching himself with what passes for a practiced grace.

“Can you at least try?” Fjord asks. “You aren’t a bad grifter, and if we can’t do this we need to change the whole con.”

“Fine,” Beau says, shifting in to character and putting on the worst accent she can imagine. “Hi, I’m Traci, and I just loooove your hair. Want to buy me a drink? You have amazing muscles.”

“See?” Molly says. “You’re a natural. It’s like you were born to be annoying.”

“I can hit you,” Beau tells him. “I am more than capable of just killing you, you know that, right?”

“Please wait until after the con is over to start killing each other,” Fjord says. “It really ruins all my plans.”

”I think you do a very good job,” Yasha says. “I am not so good at this part so it is a good thing we have you.”

”Shut up,” Beau tells Molly, and then, after a long groan, “Fine, I’ll do it. But I can’t promise there won’t be casualties.”

”Hey,” Molly says, “as soon as we get our money, you’re free to do whatever you want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what,,, two chapters in two days?? crazy. it’s almost like I can write. 
> 
> also I have a crit role sideblog @malaismere on tumblr where I may start posting about fic ideas and shit, feel free to hit me up there about literally whatever


	6. the vacation job

“We’re going on vacation!” Nott announces cheerfully, sliding into her typical spot sitting next to his book on the counter. 

“Vacation?” Caleb asks, looking up from his reading to watch her face closely. “I do not know if-“

“Come on,” Molly whines, leaning against the other side of the counter, drink in hand. “It’ll be fun. You know what fun is, right?”

“Your kind of fun?” Caleb asks, warily.

“Everyone’s kind of fun,” Molly corrects him. “Think about it, a whole week in tropical paradise.”

“It will be so amazing,” Jester says. “We can even stop by Nicodranas on the way there and see my mom!” She begins passing out the tickets. “Make sure not to lose these, alright? I mean, I can get more but it is super annoying.”

“I do not-“ Caleb starts, and then stares down at the papers in his hands. “These are not in my name,” he says. 

“Of course not, silly!” Jester says cheerfully. “It’s in one of the fake IDs I have you. Like I’d use your real name.”

“Why-“ Caleb starts, and then he looks at the name closer. “Did you name me after the protagonist from Zemnian Nights?” he asks, shocked and confused. 

“You’ve read it?” Jester asks excitedly. “None of the others ever get my references. I only use the main characters, so it’s the only one from that book - I gave you the protagonist and Nott isthe love interest.”

There is a spluttering sound, and a crash, as Nott stumbles to her feet, knocking over a dish, and with an inhuman shriek, she shouts out, “I’m the what?!”

“Love interest?” Molly perks up. “Are you naming us after the characters in romance novels?”

“No,” Nott practically hisses, “I know what Caleb reads, she’s using smut books.”

“They are totally romances,” Jester says. “And I know you don’t like him or anything, well, I know that now, I just wanted to give you guys IDs that were connected, you know?”

“You’re forgiven,” Nott tells her. Jester doesn’t hesitate to squee and hug the goblin tightly. “Barely,” Nott chokes out. “And this definitely counts against the base jumping lessons.”

“I thought you stopped-“ Caleb starts to say, but decides against it. “Why did you make me fake identities?” he asks instead. “I am not on this team of yours.”

“You’re my friend,” Jester tells him, “and friends make fake IDs for their friends in case of emergency. Also, you know, if you ever want to actually join, we could totally use you.”

Caleb stares at the tickets for a bit longer. “This is not a vacation.”

“Sure it is!” Molly says. “We’re doing all the vacationing things. Swimming, sunbathing, day drinking, taking down corrupt billionaires…”

“It’s mostly a vacation,” Nott says. “And if you think about it, because we’re gonna be working, that means we won’t be dragging you out as much?” She gives a hopeful looking half shrug, and Caleb can’t help but sigh in defeat.

All three of him now are giving that wide, puppy dog stare. He sighs. “You have convinced me, I will come.”

“Yes! Success!” Jester cheers. 

“But only if we can stay longer so I can shop in Nicodranas,” Caleb says. “I have heard there are some excellent book shops there which I would like to check out.”

“We’ll have like a whole day in Nicodranas so I can hang out with my Mom,” Jester says. “And as long as no one important sees me and tells any of the people who want me dead then we should totally be fine.”

“I think I am already regretting this,” Caleb says, but he tucks the tickets away regardless. 

“Trust me,” Molly says, “as long as you stick with us, it’ll be nothing but fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cut to a street on fire. or maybe just straight up the pirate ship scene. 
> 
> i swear that i was planning to have ficlets with things that resemble plots...


	7. the vacation job part 2: piratical descent

There are nice things, about being outside of the Empire, Caleb thinks. The bookstores are certainly one of them. He has been to Nicodranas before, but he hadn’t been given the chance to explore the bookstores nearly as deeply as he has wanted, and the chance to spend a full day off looking at books. 

The Mighty Nein (and, how strange was it that he was referring to them by that ridiculous name, now) were dealing with a matter for Jester’s mother. It was a simple job, not meant to take longer than a day. Harassing a man who had been harassing her. Certainly nothing to worry about. 

That was what he thought, two hours ago, when he had returned around dinner and found them still absent. Now, however, it was getting dark, and there was no sign of them. 

Rumors were spreading, slowly, out from the dock. A gang war, involving a stolen ship - not that strange an encounter, on the coast, although Nicodranas was certainly more subtle than Port Damali. Nothing to say that they were caught up in it, or in any way involved. 

Except for the apparent suicide by a blue tiefling in the same area. At the same time.

Suicide, not murder. Which means it has to be one of their grifts, a fake, a ploy. At least, that is the hope he is clinging to.

It is hard to navigate through all the authorities, but while there are bodies at the scene, none are familiar. And that is another something, and he is wishing very hard that he had paid enough attention to their plan to figure out how tracking down a rude patron had led to stealing a ship. 

Jester has left most of her set up in her room, so when he returns (and avoids Marian, no need to worry her, and seeing his slowly growing panic she will worry) he sits down at her computer and tries to connect to their comm lines. 

Jester has a  _ unique _ set up to her computers but he finds the comms regardless. 

“What the fuck are we doing,” Beau says, and he sighs in relief. 

“What  _ are _ you doing?” He asks, and there is a clamor of surprised noise. “Are all of you alright?”

“We’re all okay!” Nott says. “I mean we are kind of scraped up but nobody’s dead.”

“Thank the gods,” Caleb murmurs. 

“We’ve gotten in to a bit of trouble,” Fjord says. An understatement. “What rumors have you been hearing in the city?”

“Very little,” he assures them. “Whatever you have done has been associated with gang violence. The search is not particularly strong.” He pauses. “And rumors of a suicide, which I am grateful have not spread too far.”

“I’m fine!” Jester says. “Oh no, my mom hasn’t heard that, has she?”

“Not as of yet,” Caleb tells her. “I shall make sure she knows you’re fine.” He pauses. “Where are you all?”

“We’re pirates!” Molly informs him cheerfully.

Oh good, Caleb thinks. They’re pirates.

”We’ll be taking the ship back in to town in the morning,” Fjord says, “suitably altered, and it seems our best passage here on out. Caleb, if you plan on joining us for the rest of our trip to see, it’d be best for you to meet up with us in the morning.”

He’s starting to regret coming to Nicodranas. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like at least half of my cr writing, this chapter is nothing but caleb trying to function around a prolonged panic attack.


	8. first meetings

“You know,” Jester says, “it’s really funny that Caleb was the one who brought you guys in considering that he says he’s a civilian.” She says civilian in the exact same tone all of them do, that is, absolutely unbelieving.

“Well, that’s because we were actually quite good friends, before all of this,” Molly tells them. “Well, I say friends, when what I probably mean is _passionate love affair_ -”

“He is lying,” Caleb says. “And not very well.”

“Just like Caleb to deny his own heart,” Molly continues, earning a giggle out of Jester and a groan from across the room from Beau. “We have a long and troubled history that I could probably make a great deal of money off of if I put it down into books. It’s a tale of wonder, of adventure, of true love.”

“That sounds amazing! I totally want to hear everything, please, and if you want I could also write those books for you. I won a write in contest for a Tusk Love sequel once and got this really cute notebook that got eaten by a crocodile,” Jester says.

“Well,” Molly says, “It all started when I rescued him from his contract with this nefarious businessman who I was staking out. I was hoping to steal his very expensive art collection, but instead, I ended up stealing Caleb.”

“You know,” Caleb says, “for a professional con artist, you would think you’d be better at lying.”

“Ignore Caleb,” Molly tells Jester, “he’s still caught up following that horrible bout with the hypnotist. I thought that all got fixed but it seems some amnesia may linger-“

“It sounds to me as if you are begging I tell them the true story.”

“Oh,” Beau is next to him in seconds, leaning in with a hungry look on her face, “please do.”

Yasha looks up as well. “I do not think I know the real version of this,” she says. “Molly only shared a little of what happened after I came back.”

“I know it,” Nott says, with a laugh and a grin. “Oh, good times.”

“I bet it’s a wonderful story,” Jester says. She gives a look full of wide, almost tearful eyes that belong better on a puppy than a tiefling.

“It is less wonderful,” Caleb teases, “and more…” he trails off, looking for the right word.

“Ridiculous?” Nott offers.

“Disastrous,” Caleb finishes, “but that works as well, I think.”

“I think it’s rather dashing,” Molly says. “It is exactly as I promised, full of adventure, and utterly beautiful scoundrels, and epic heists, and handsome strangers being needlessly kind.”

“He fell down my chimney,” Caleb says, in that even monotone of his.

“You did what?” Beau asks, almost falling back from the laughter. “How the hell did you even manage that?”

“The building is rather old,” Caleb says. “The chimneys were made to fit sweeps, and the cover at the top of mine was rather weak. So he fell down and landed right over there.” He points over to the fireplace.

“What were you doing on Caleb’s roof?” Jester asks. “I mean, you normally rely on talking to people, not breaking in.”

“Well, sometimes you plan on grifting your way in to a sizable check only to find that you mischecked the guest list and a former mark is present and calls you out leading you to abscond with a priceless ruby necklace out the window only to be chased across the rooftops by some over enthusiastic guards.”

“I remember this,” Yasha says. “It was a very nice necklace.”

“It was a very nice night,” Molly said. “Well, the dress was ruined, but that had been a gift from the embassy anyways, and I think they were being rather cheap.”

“You were wearing an evening gown.” Beau stares at him. “You first met Caleb after you fell down his chimney, in an evening gown covered in soot.”

“More or less,” Molly shrugs. “He was very courteous about the whole thing. Let me stay the night, even. An absolute gentleman.”

“And then I almost stabbed him when I found him on the couch that morning,” Nott reminisces, somewhat dreamily. “Ah, memories.”

“Almost?” Molly asks. “You actually stabbed me.”

“Not very hard,” Nott points out. “You didn’t even get a scar. It was fine.”

“Better than when me and Fjord met for the first time,” Beau says with a laugh. “I still have the scar from where he shot me.”

“He shot you?” Jester asks.

“Yeah,” Beau says. “It was a few years back. I’ve gotten way better at not getting shot.” She shrugs. “It’s not like I hold it against him or anything. After he did that I beat his face in, stole his wallet, and absconded with the goods, so I don’t really mind the whole shooting me thing.”

“When we first met we kissed,” Jester says. “It was so romantic. I mean, then he tried to arrest me or whatever and we had this whole log chase scene and I sent him on this whole wild chase but I made sure the plane tickets were to this really nice island.”

“What’re you guys talking about?” Fjord asks.

“How you kissed Jester when you guys first met,” Nott tells him.

“That wasn’t a kiss,” Fjord says, somewhat confused. “That was CPR.”

“If that was CPR then you’re really bad at CPR, Fjord,” Jester informs him. “Because I don’t think you’re supposed to linger on my lips for that long. It’s a good thing I only faked drowning.”

“I wouldn’t kiss you before arresting you,” Fjord says. “I’m not a fucking creep, Jes.”

“Well, I think it was romantic,” Jester tells him. “And it’s a way better story than getting shot.”

“Or stabbed,” Fjord adds, throwing a glare Nott’s direction.

“That’s right! I did stab you,” Nott says, way too cheerfully. “I had completely forgotten about that. Good times.”

“How many people have you stabbed when you first met them?” Beau asks.

“Not a lot of people,” Nott says. “I mostly use a crossbow when I want to just hurt someone, but it isn’t really good at close range so thats when most of the stabbing happens.”

“People who you then became friends with,” Beau clarifies. “Did you stab Caleb?”

“I would never stab Caleb!” Nott says. “Why would you think that, of course I didn’t stab Caleb, why would I stab Caleb?”

“Any number of reasons,” Caleb says. “If I had a collapsed lung, you would definitely stab me to open that airway.”

“That doesn’t count as stabbing,” Nott says.

“Besides, if you had a collapsed lung then I would just heal you,” Jester says. “We wouldn’t just let Nott stab in to your chest. That would be stupid.”

“You’re a doctor?” Beau asks.

“I mean, if you’re asking if I ever went to medical school, or took any classes, or have any sort of certification, then no, I’m not,” Jester says, “but if you’re talking about if I can heal you guys then I totally can.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one she stabbed,” Molly says, nodding sympathetically at Fjord. “You know, it’s a shame I only met you all when we started working together. We could have gotten up to some fun shit in our first meetings.”

“If by fun shit, you mean, I would have punched you,” Beau says, “Which I count. Punching you seems like it’d be really enjoyable, Tealeaf.”

“I mean, you guys did meet,” Jester says. “I think you even talked to each other.”

“Really?” Molly asks. “I think I would’ve remembered that.”

“It was at the museum thingy where I totally almost stole the dagger of whatever,” Jester says.

“The dagger of Aqu’abi,” Fjord says. “I remember that whole debacle. Were you all there for that?” he asks.

“Holy fucking shit,” Beau says. “You were the ambassador person! The one who was choking!”

“And you almost stabbed me!” Jester says, just as cheerfully. “And Molly was like someone fancy like a noble or I think one of the scientist-y people? I don’t really remember.”

“I was playing both,” Molly says. “It was a beautiful con. I assume it was you two who messed all my shit up?”

“That was so shiny,” Nott murmurs. “I can’t believe I dropped it. At least I got all of the other stuff I wanted.”

“Is that where you stole the historical buttons from?” Caleb asks.

“Some of them,” Nott says. “I steal a lot of buttons out of museums. They’re just so easy to steal and they’re the best additions to my collection.”

“Huh,” Beau mutters. “So we know how all of us met,” she says, gesturing to the group as a whole, “so how did you two,” she points to Nott and Caleb, “and you two,” she points to Yasha and Molly, “end up together?”

“We’ve known each other basically my entire life,” Molly says. “We-”

“We were in the circus together,” Yasha says, interrupting whatever lie Molly was about to start.

“You were in the circus together?” Nott asks with a very obvious amazement in her voice. A very fake sound of amazement. “That is so cool, you must have so many wonderful stories about that.”

“Nuh uh,” Beau says. “You’re not getting out of this by distracting us with circus stories. Come on. Fess up. How did you and Caleb meet?”

Nott looks at Caleb, “Um. Just. Normal meeting people ways?”

Caleb sighs. “We were in jail together,” he says.

“You were in jail?” Beau asks, eyes wide. “Fucking knew it.”

“What were you arrested for?” Fjord asks.

“Vagrancy,” Caleb says. “Nott was in there for shoplifting. We spent the night and came out the other end with a vague arrangement to watch eachother’s backs, and eventually that led to being roommates.”

“Well,” Jester says, “if you ever want to commit crimes that are bigger than just existing, we’re always here to help. And we promise none of us are gonna get arrested.”

“And if they do,” Nott says, “we’ll just break them out. It’ll be super easy.”

“Thank you,” Caleb says. “I will make sure to take you up on this generous offer if I ever feel the pressing need to commit crimes.”

“Or if you just want to hang out,” Jester says. “I mean, the jobs we run are really fun.”

“I know, right?” Beau asks. “This last job was a fucking blast.”

“You got shot,” Fjord reminds her.

“I get shot all the time, it’s really not a big deal,” Beau says. “Hell, you’ve shot me. Multiple times. And do I hold a grudge? Am I going to get back at you by covering your bed in peanut butter? No.”

Fjord just stares at her for a long few minutes before walking away.

“I think,” Caleb says, “that I am fine with my current job. Which involves very little risk to my life, or my freedom, or, it seems, my bed being covered with food?”

“This doesn’t make you safe from my revenge, Widogast,” Beau says. “My totally hypothetical revenge. Which I would never do. Because peanut butter is really hard to spread and to cover a whole bed you’d just need so much.”

“I can and will shoot you with my crossbow if you break into our house,” Nott reminds her. “If any of you fuckers mess with Caleb’s room, you’re dead to me.”

“What if, hypothetically, a person, hypothetically, went in to Caleb’s room and painted a really tiny dick, hypothetically, on his wall?” Jester asks. “Would that person, hypothetically not be given base jumping lessons?”

“No those definitely are moving up to very soon because that’s fucking amazing,” Nott says. “As long as you didn’t snoop around any of his shit.”

“Nott! I would never snoop through Caleb’s room. Not unless I was looking for Frumpkin or thought he was hiding pastries.”

“I do not keep food in my room,” Caleb says. “We have a kitchen. We do not want to aggravate the ant infestation any further.”

“Huh,” Jester mutters. “We should really get you guys a new house. Maybe we could get one that’s big enough for all of us to have rooms! That would be so cool.”

“You know,” Beau says, “I never would have fucking said this when we first met, but that would actually be pretty fucking sweet.”

"Wouldn't it?" Jester says. "I'm gonna go look in to houses right now."

"Does this mean we get to have our apartment to ourselves?" Nott asks. 

"Nope! You'd be moving in too! We're gonna stay together forever, you guys, it's gonna be perfect!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be just them sharing their stories but whenever i start writing dialogue for the m9 it gets out of control. they just keep talking and it;s all so ridiculous. i really wish we'd gotten more of molly's ridiculous lies in canon. they all kind of went away after his backstory reveal which is a shame because just the concept of a character who kept making up stories about how they got their powers is so funny to me. i wish i was better at writing molly, he's the fucking best.
> 
> i'm trying to write longer/plottier chapters because i do, in fact, have an actual plot i'm hoping to get to eventually. exams are done but we'll see if that means i do any real work on this.


	9. the evil fjord job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter nein, y;'all

“You know, it’s kind of cute,” comes a voice from up behind him. “Trying to get your old job back by doing a case rogue. It might even work. It is funny, though, if you wanted that, it would have been easier to come to me and beg-”

“Avantika,” he growls out, cutting her off. “What do you want.”

“You know what I want, Fjord,” she says. Her laugh is light and fluttery and cuts like knives. “It’s the same thing our boss wants. You, to come back in to the fold.”

“And when I tell you that’s never gonna happen?” Fjord asks. He turns to look at her. She looks the same, down to that long, sleeveless coat that always made her stand out. 

“I know you miss it, Fjord,” Avantika murmurs. “Why are you doing this, if it isn’t looking for the thrill of the hunt again?” He keeps his glare even, and she looks him over, carefully. “Or are you trying to get employed by a rival company? Naughty.”

“I think you probably have better things to do than speculate on my current employment,” Fjord tells her. “You never were the Boss’s favorite, after all.”

Her smile drops, quickly, and she glares at him. “Trust me on this, Fjord,” she says. “Whatever you are planning here, I’ll be certain to reverse. You may be smart, but you’re still a favor. And trust me, whether you cooperate with us or not, we’ll get what we want out of you. It’s in your best interest, to come begging for forgiveness.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he tells her. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

Avantika stares at him fiercely for a few more moments, and then she pivots, her heels clacking against the pavement and echoing out through the night. 

Well, fuck, Fjord thinks to himself. This job just got a whole lot harder.

 

* * *

“Ugh, I hate her so much,” Jester groans, leaning back in her chair. 

“Really? Someone you hate?” Nott asks. “She must be really bad. You don’t hate anyone.”

“I hate a lot of people,” Jester informs her. “Like, almost all of our marks. Because they suck. Like, for real.” They all look at her. “I do! I am full of hate!”

“Let’s get on to the briefing,” Fjord says, with a sigh. “Avantika Sterling. One of the top investigators for Leviathan Insurance. She’s tough, ambitious, manipulative as hell, and she’s trying to stop whatever it is I’m trying to do.”

“And she’s really hot,” Beau says. Everyone turns to look at her. “What! She is! I mean, in like, a sexy evil kind of way, but-”

“What you’re saying is she’s basically you but evil,” Molly says. 

“I mean,” Fjord starts to say, “We’re the ones who’re committing crimes, so-”

“Nope! She’s evil. Evil Fjord. That is totally accurate,” Jester interrupts. “She is so evil you guys. I heard she kicks puppies.”

“She doesn’t kick puppies,” Fjord says. 

“Are you sure?” Jester asks. “I’m not saying she goes out of her way to do it, but if she was walking down the street and she saw a puppy are you certain she wouldn’t kick it?”

“She was my partner, I know her pretty well. She wouldn’t care about the puppy enough to kick it.”

“See! Totally evil!”

“She was your partner?” Molly asks. “Do you mean like your crime solving partner, or like partner partner, cause Beau was right, she is really hot.”

“Crime solving partner,” Fjord groans. “Can we please get back to the job?”

“Okay,” Beau so, if someone were to seduce her, like, I don’t know, me, would that distract her enough to pull off the con?”

“No,” Fjord says. “Suggestions from anyone other than Beau?”

“Is that something you would want?” Yasha half whispers to Beau.

“Is that a no it wouldn’t work or a no we shouldn’t try?” Molly asks. “Hypothetically.”

“Suggestions from anyone other than Molly?”

"That’s not an answer, Fjord,” Molly points out. “Look, if you don’t want us flirting with your ex, that’s totally understandable-”

“Ugh, I take it back,” Beau says, “If Molly’s in to her then I’m out.”

“I’ve got some bad news about Yasha then,” Molly cuts in, smiling. 

"No one is flirting with Avantika!” Fjord yells out, and the room goes blessedly silent for a half-second. “Why the hell do I ever ask you guys for input?”

“Because you love us,” Jester tells him. “I could just fake an e-mail or something taking her off the case or mess with her bank accounts so that she’s too busy fixing that or something. Ooh! Or I could do so much little stuff like I think she’s got a rental and I can hack in to those and just wreak chaos it’ll be so much fun you guys.”

“She’s too focused on beating me to fall for a fake email or a problem with the bank,” Fjord says. “And I don’t know how much that would actually affect her, not when she’s so focused on the mission.”

“I don’t get why you’re so worried,” Nott says. “I mean, do we really need to change the plan? It can’t be that hard to just, you know, avoid her.”

“She’s actively investigating our mark,” Fjord points out. “Avoiding her is going to be near impossible.”

“Well, Jester is gonna be messing with her, and if her being there messes shit up we can just improvise,” Nott says. “Plan A never works out anyways, and we’re pretty fucking great at making shit up on the spot.”

“We don’t - do you think I’m making stuff up?” Fjord asks. “Do you know how many plans I have running at once?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen the notes he takes,” Jester says. “There’s, like, at least five.”

“Are you telling me that you’re never making anything up?” Beau asks. “No fucking way, dude.”

“I’m the mastermind, that is literally my job,” Fjord says. “What do you think I do to prepare? Sit around thinking up aliases?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jester says. “That’s my job. You just practice badass oneliners. I’ve heard you doing it.”

Fjord frowns. “While I’m thinking up plans.”

“Sure.”

“Well if you don’t know how to improvise then we’re screwed,” Nott says. “I guess we just pull out of the job and go, you know?”

“I know how to improvise,” Fjord says. “Okay, you know what? Fine. We just go ahead with the plan and unfuck whatever Avantika fucks up. We can do this. We’re the Mighty Nein. We’re fucking badasses. Yep. Totally fine.”

* * *

“The hacker was you, wasn’t it?” Avantika asks, as they stand out on the street. He is tense beyond belief, and although he doesn’t look at her, he knows she’s smiling like she’s won. Which isn’t fair, because she hasn’t. They got their mark, saved their client, he won, goddammit. But she’s still smiling. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says, and it’s only half a lie, falling smoothly out of his mouth. 

“Not literally you,” she corrects. “You always were quick at picking things up, but not that quit. But working with you. For you?” He can feel her eyes on him, digging through so many layers. “I must have looked silly, accusing you of wanting to get back into insurance, when you’d started working as a con artist.”

“You do look ridiculous,” Fjord tells her. “I think it’s the coats.”

Avantika laughs. It’s a genuine laugh, and while it still has a hint of sharpness, of mocking, that is only because it’s hers, and she’s never free of such things. “I’ve missed you,” she tells him. 

“I wish I could say the same,” Fjord says. There is very little he wants more, right now, than to run away, but that would be losing, in Avantika’s mind, and in his, and he is not losing this. Especially not when there’s a chance she’ll slip up, give him some fragment of information.

“It is rather you,” she continues. “You always fancied yourself a good person. The white knight. Even now, as a criminal, you’re still playing that role. I wonder, do they believe it?”

“I know it’s a bit beyond you, Avantika,” Fjord says, “but some people are actually good.”

“Oh, certainly,” Avantika notes. “I know you’re not one of them.” She turns, and starts to walk a way, but pauses. “Do you know what the best part of you being a criminal is, Fjord?”

“That I don’t have to be anywhere near you?” he suggests.

“It means,” Avantika says, “that we can do, well, just about anything to your little posse, or to you. After all, no one really cares, what happens to con artists and thieves.”

He can’t help but look at her, as she says that, can’t help but glare, and she smiles. She’s won this little encounter, but that doesn’t matter. 

“You don’t get to hurt them,” he tells her.”Understood?”

“Oh, I understand perfectly. Come home, Fjord. It’ll be easier, if you do it on your own.”

He stares at her for a few good, long moments. She’s watching him closely, waiting for any sign of doubt, any signal that he might take her up on that offer. He’s never been good at knowing himself, but he knows, or at least, he hopes, that there’s no such sign to be seen. “Goodbye, Avantika,” he says, finally. 

He doesn’t wait for her to respond before walking away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are a couple points when writing up an au where i've had breakthroughs that changed everything. "avantika is sterling!" was one of them. coming up with the name for iys was hard though, especially because my first thought was "eye"-ys and i both knew i couldn't use it and knew i wouldn't think of anything better. leviathan insurance was a compromise. 
> 
> also, sorry if fjord and avantika are really ooc. it's hard to balance the changes an au makes with canon voices i'm still not too comfortable with. fjord needs to stop being such a liar so i can figure out who the fuck he is and learn how to write him.


	10. caleb has friends he promises

“Cayy-leb,” Jester calls out, “can you come look over this code for me? There’s something weird about it that I can’t quite place.”

“Just send it to one of your internet friends to look over,” Caleb says. “The one who you always talk about, he taught you coding, ja?”

“The Traveller isn’t an internet friend,” Jester says. “And I would totally ask him but he doesn’t like talking when all of you are around and you’re right here and you’re never doing anything and you’re really good at picking out all my flaws and I know that sounds mean but it’s meant as a good thing I promise.”

“Ah - why would - thank you?” Caleb stumbles out. “I am very sorry, Jester, but I am headed out right now. Maybe you could have Nott look at it? She has some skill with hacking herself.”

“You do?” Jester asks, turning to where Nott is sorting one of her collections at the kitchen table. “Wait, Caleb’s going out? Where are you going? I know it isn’t grocery shopping because you always do that on Fridays and also we’re not running low on anything and it isn’t like you cook, and you order all your weird books and stuff from Amazon and you don’t work-”

"I do freelance work online,” Caleb corrects her, “making me the only one in this house who has a job, which I can’t believe I’m even saying because it is not like the rest of you beside Nott even live here, and I d go out for things that are not shopping. If you must know, I am meeting up with a friend of mine.”

“A friend?” Jester asks. “You have friends other than Nott?”

“I have friends other than Nott,” Caleb says. “Quite a few.”

“Name three,” Nott says. 

“Beau and Yasha, of course, and as loathe as I am to admit it, I am friends with Mollymauk,” Caleb says. 

“That doesn’t count,” Jester says, “of course you’re friends with all of us.”

“You’ll notice,” Fjord says, not looking up from where he’s reading through files next to her, “that he didn’t name either of us.”

“You’re friends with us to, aren’t you?” Jester asks. “Aren’t you?” she repeats, worried, when Caleb doesn’t immediately answer.

“Of course I am,” he says, finally. “It is very hard not to be friends with you, Jester.”

“She’s right, though, they don’t count. I bet you can’t name one person who isn’t one of the Mighty Nein.”

“That is easy,” Caleb says. “His name is Caduceus, and I’m meeting him for tea.” And with that, he walks out the door.

“You made it too easy for him,” Jester tells Nott. 

“We  have his name!” Nott says. “Jester, I need you to do research on this Caduceus fellow immediately. I need his age, his job, how likely it is he’s going to stab Caleb.”

“Nott, I can’t find someone on just their first name,” Jester tells her. “There are, like, twenty Caduceuses living in Zadash and he might not even live in the city.”

“Did you pull that up as soon as he said the name?” Fjord asks, leaning over to take a glance at  the screen.

“Maybe,” Jester says. “Hey, Caleb doesn’t have any friends, I’m allowed to be suspicious. But basically we know nothing and also oh my gods, Nott, how come you didn’t tell me that you knew how to hack?”

“I mean,” Nott mutters, “I’m not all that great at it. It’s mostly just getting into locked computers. And messing with cars sometimes. And also hijacking com lines sometimes and actually I came up with this really cool trick to do that which I taught Caleb but I’m nowhere near as good as you guys are.”

“That is so cool,” Jester says. “Come and look over this code for me, then! Also, if you ever want to learn even more then I am totally up for it because I’ve always wanted to teach someone like the Traveller taught me and I think it would be really fun and you know I really want to repay you for the whole teaching me how to jump off of buildings thing.”

“Well there’s your problem,” Nott says, jabbing a finger at the screen to point out a line of code. “Now, can we get back to the important business of figuring out if any of these Caduceuses are axe murderers out to kill my Caleb?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't planning to introduce cad for a bit but hey here's a sneak peak. 
> 
> to be fair, when caleb says friends, he means 'people i know and do not hate.' or maybe 'people i know and do not hate who aren't trying to kill me'


	11. bomb collections

“You blew up our house,” Nott says. 

“I mean,” Jester trails off. “Ok, so I set off the explosions, yeah, but it’s not like I’m the one who put them there. Technically this is all Avantika’s fault if you think about it, technically.”

“When the fuck did Avantika put bombs in the apartment?” Beau asks. 

“We are talking about the woman who free dove without any gear in the middle of winter to complete a job,” Molly points out. “Are we really surprised by anything she does?” 

“Do you know how hard we worked to get that house?” Nott asks. 

“I mean, you can just go steal another one, it isn’t hard,” Jester says. “Actually you guys can move in with me!”

“You have a house?” Nott asks. “Why the fuck are you always crashing on our - our poor, exploded couch, if you have your own damn house?”

“Which house?” Fjord asks. “The townhouse?”

“No, that one was way too small. I mean it’s cute and I love it and living on top of a bakery was super fun but sometimes you have to move on.”

“Why has Fjord been to your house and not the rest of us?” Beau asks. “Why haven’t I been to your house?”

“I think I can guess why,” Molly says. 

Fjord rolls his eyes. “I haven’t been to her house. I’ve just listened to her talk about it.”

“Oh god,” Nott mutters. “All of Caleb’s stuff is gone.”

“I mean, I got all the books out,” Beau says. “The rest of his shit is ash, but that’s all just like, dishware and shit. Replaceable.”

“Hey, every item in that house had precious memories attached,” Nott says.

“Of you stealing it?” Molly asks.  

“But! So!” Jester says. “I got this really cute house, like, right on the outskirts of the city, and it’s nice and big and it has rooms for all of us and I’ve already started setting it up as our new base so that hopefully you guys would all move in and I mean now that you don’t have a house-”

“I mean, the rest of us all still have houses,” Beau points out.

“Please don’t blow up my apartment,” Fjord tells her. 

“I didn’t blow up the apartment! Those were not my bombs!”

“Of course not, they were mine,” Nott says. “The point is you’re the one who set them off and so you’re gonna have to deal with that.”

“They were yours?” Molly asks. 

“What the fuck?” Beau echoes. 

“Look, the fact I left a bunch of explosives lying around the house is not the problem, because it would have been fine if Jester hadn’t decided to mess with them!”

“Well, that makes sense,” Jester says. “But you’re gonna have to promise that you aren’t gonna keep them in the new house, okay?

“You sound like Caleb,” Nott grumbles. 

“You guys are getting rooms,” Jester says. “Everyone is getting a room. I’m not saying you have to move in, but-” she trails off, her tail swishing back and forth excitedly. 

“Well,” Molly says, “I think I’ll ask Yasha how she feels about it, but I’d love to live with a landlord that isn’t a fucking asshole.”

“I’m pretty sure my apartment is compromised,” Beau adds. “So I guess I might as well crash with you.”

“Fjord?” Jester asks. 

He stares at her. “I’ll think about it. On the condition Nott swears she’s not gonna rig the place up with bombs.”

“I said I wouldn’t!”

“Yeah, well, you said you wouldn’t rob the coat room last week either!”

“I have kleptomania-”

“Eee!” Jester squeals. “This is gonna be perfect! I am so looking forward to having roommates! I’ve never had roommates before! This is gonna be amazing.”

She hugs Molly tightly, and then the rest of them in turn, before running off to go do who knows what. 

“Someone needs to tell Caleb what happened,” Molly says.

“Yeah, uh, well, I have a lot of planning to do on how to fix this-” Fjord says, backing up. Beau doesn’t even bother with excuses, climbing out the window.

“Yeah, fine, I’ll do it. You go tell Yasha,” Nott grumbles. “I don’t care if it got back at Avantika, you don’t just explode someone’s bomb collection…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why write the confrontation with avantika when you can just write the m9 bitching about exploded houses?
> 
> :/ not happy with this but hey whatever.


	12. birthdays

“What’s this?” Beau asks, staring at the rolled up piece of paper that Jester has handed her.

“It’s an invite to my birthday party!” Jester tells her, handing the rest out.

“And you’re handing out invites instead of just telling us because you’re secretly twelve?” Beau asks, staring at the invite with a vague mix of confusion and distrust.

“No, you read the numbers backwards, it’s my twenty first,” Jester replies. “And I know I probably could have just texted you guys or whatever, but I’ve never had a proper birthday party before and I wanted to do it right.”

“You’ve never had a birthday party before?” Beau asks, at the same time Nott screeches out, “You’re only twenty?!”

“No, I’m twenty one,” Jester tells her. “My actual birthday was last week and I spent it with my momma, remember?”

“You’re a baby,” Nott says. “You’re an actual child. Oh my god, why are you working with us?”

“Nott, you’re a goblin,” Beau points out. “Doesn’t that mean you’re, like, ten?”

“I’m twenty five!” Nott says, indignant. “Are any of the rest of you secretly children?”

“I mean, age isn’t really-” Molly starts to say.

“How old are you?” Beau asks.

“Beau, you know I have no idea because I spent my childhood being raised in the woods by giant weasels,” Molly says. “I’m starting to think you’re being insensitive on purpose.”

“That’s your worst lie yet,” Beau tells him.

“A lady never tells his age.”

“And neither does a weasel?”

“Eh, I walked into that one,” Molly says with a shrug.

“No, I know Molly’s an adult,” Nott says. “But you!” She turns to stare at Beau. “Are you secretly a teenager and never told me? I could see it.”

“Fuck! No!” Beau says.

“That’s not a number,” Nott says, keeping her eyes locked on Beau

“Molly didn’t tell you his age either!” Beau points out. “Why do I have to?”

“Molly’s not the one who I’m questioning,” Nott says. “How old are you, Beau?”

“I’m twenty four! Geez.” Beau says, backing away slowly.

“Huh,” Fjord interrupts, staring at his own invite. “Jester, did you take your codename over from someone else?” he asks.

“Nope!” Jester says cheerfully. “The Traveller taught me how to code and hack and a bunch of other stuff, but I picked my codename all by myself.”

“That’s weird,” Fjord mutters. “Because I could’ve sworn the FBI’s been tracking a hacker name Jester for over a decade, now.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jester says. “The FBI isn’t tracking me, they’re nowhere near good enough. They just notice when I sign my name.” There’s a long pause, as the realization settles in, and she smiles at all of them cheerfully. “So you’re all coming to my party, right?”

She’s met with a chorus of agreement, with a “as long as there’s free booze” thrown in as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, sorry for the break but i've been pretty distracted with artfight and other projects. the next chapter is probably going to be pretty long and pretty plotty to make up for the break, though. it's one i've had planned since the start.
> 
> and yes, jester's been a professional hacker since she was ten. i really need to write more about jester and the traveller in this au...


	13. the sans lorenzo job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is one of the few things that survived from when i was trying to make this an actual fic, and is thus both very plotty and very dramatic.
> 
> warnings in the end notes.

“My mate and my son have been missing for over a week now,” the client, Nila says. She’s sitting on the couch, and although her hands are trembling and fidgeting, her voice isn’t on the edge of tiers, like some of their clients, but instead has the sharp edge of determination. 

“Mrs. Guiatao,” Fjord says. “As horrible as that is, we’re not investigators. This is a matter for the police.”

“I’ve talked with the police,” Nila says, her voice remaining calm instead of rising up in anger. “They won’t investigate, they’re being blocked. The High Richter has ties to the people who took them. I need you to expose him for what he is.”

Fjord nods. “We’ll discuss this,” he says, “and we’ll get back to you. Okay?”

He turns to the rest of them, a solemn look on his face, as Yasha leads Nila out. 

“We’re taking the case, right?” Jester asks, worried. 

“This is going to be dangerous,” Fjord says. “This looks like mob ties, or even worse. I don’t want to put any of you in danger.”

“We’ve been in danger before,” Molly points out. “When was the last job where we weren’t in even a little bit of danger? It’s gonna happen.”

“Not on purpose,” Fjord says. “Not like this. 

“I’m going to help her,” Nott says, firmly. “Even if the rest of you fuckers decide to sit out I’m going to help her. A mother shouldn’t be separated from her family.”

“I’m helping her too,” Jester adds. “It’s what we do.”

“I’m not worried about a little bit of danger,” Beau says. “Mob ties, big deal.”

“Did you really think any of us were going to say no?” Molly asks Fjord. 

Fjord looks at all of them. “Okay,” he says. “We’re doing this.”

* * *

The job goes great. They go in, cautiously, and it pays off. They’re able to tie the High Richter to every single evil group he’s got ties to. They’re able to expose half the police force on corruption, and bring the FBI down on them in full force. It was an ambitious plan, but they played it expertly. 

Jester’s erasing their tracks, with Fjord and Yasha covering her, while Molly talks them out, Beau and Nott upstairs finishing their end of the job. Molly’s using that half charming half annoying laugh. Jester’s rambling as she talks herself through the security of the computer, and Fjord is faintly humming. 

The job goes great, until it doesn’t. Until Fjord’s humming gets cut off with a gasp and a thump and expert silence, until Yasha’s silence turns into her scream of rage and then silence once again, until Jester shrieks and her line goes dead as well.

Until Beau races downstairs as fast as she can, and almost trips in the stairwell as the sound of a gunshot echoes through her bones. 

Lorenzo is gone by the time she gets to the main floor, which is probably for the best, because she knows there’s no way she wouldn’t chase after him, wouldn’t try to kill him for what he’s just done, and she needs to keep her focus on Molly. 

Because against all odds, Molly is still alive, and she’ll be damned if anything changes that.

“Beauregard,” comes Caleb’s voice in her ear. “Can he be moved?”

“I-” she says, and her hands are covered in blood. “I can’t help him, we need a hospital, we need-”

“Beauregard,” Caleb says more firmly. “I’ve put the address of a friend of mine, a doctor, into your car. Can you move him there safely?”

“I can,” she says. “Nott, we need - we need to see what happened to the others.”

“No. Stay with Beau,” Caleb says. “I am closer, I will check on them. You need to make sure that you aren’t followed.”

“Caleb?” Nott adds in, her voice so quiet that even though she’s next to Beau, as they make their way outside, if it weren’t for the comms, she wouldn’t have been heard at all. “I think we fucked up.”

“It’s going to be okay, liebchen,” Caleb says, and it’s probably just because they can’t see his face, but it’s almost believable.

* * *

Caleb’s friend is named Caduceus Clay. He lives in a small house on the outer edge of Zadash, with a large, overgrown garden. According to Nott, out of all the Caduceuses in Zadash, he’s the fifth least likely to be an axe murderer, and Beau isn’t sure if the way he takes them in without any surprise would help or hurt that ranking. 

She intends to leave immediately, to join Caleb, but he doesn’t call for help, and when she mentions her field medic training, she’s recruited as help in the impromptu surgery. Her hands are once again stained in her friend’s blood.

By the time it’s over, Nott is curled up on the couch outside, finally asleep. Molly is asleep as well, the faint movement of his chest rising up and down more valuable to her than any amount of money. She won’t be sleeping much tonight, not that she ever sleeps much, too wired on adrenalin and failure. 

The knock on the door confirms exactly how on edge she is, and Caduceus Clay heads to answer it from where he’d begun preparing tea in the kitchen while she hides, on edge for someone sent to finish the job.

Instead, it’s Caleb, dark circles beneath his eyes and a haggard expression on his face. Caduceus welcomes him inside, and grabs another cup for tea. 

“Your friend is alive,” Caduceus says, setting a cup before each of them as they sit down at the small kitchen table. “It looks as if he should stay that way for the rest of the night. There’s still the risk of infection setting in, and I won’t be able to help much with that.”

“Hopefully we’ll be safe to get him to a hospital by then,” Beau says. It’s that, or it won’t really matter, after all. She looks at Caleb. Caleb who came here alone. “Is this going to be a rescue or revenge?” she asks. 

“Rescue,” Caleb says.

“Alright,” Beau says, and she finishes her cup of tea with one big swig. “Let’s get to work.”

“Caleb!” Nott calls out, voice obviously a little bit groggy. That might be the sleepiness, or the alcohol, it’s hard to say. “You’re gonna help us go after them? Good, we’re going to need you. Lemme, lemme grab my things.”

“Nott,” Caleb says, “I need you to stay here.”

“What are you talking about?” Nott asks. “I’m coming the fuck with you.”

“We are just going to do recon,” Caleb says. “I need you to stay here and keep an eye on Molly and Caduceus, in case anyone comes. If you see anyone suspicious, or you need backup, text me. There’s a good chance the comms are compromised.”

Nott looks at him suspiciously for a few moments, and then says, “You got it.” She perches on the windowseat, and scans outside suspiciously for any sign. 

“Leaving already?” Caduceus ask. “Please be careful, Mr. Caleb.”

“I am always careful,” Caleb says. “And I would hate to inconvenience you more than I already have,” He offers a genuine looking smile, which Caduceus accepts with a nod, before returning to Molly’s side, his own teacup still in hand. 

They leave the warmth of the small house out into the chill of the early evening air, and Beau breathes in deeply and lets the sting in her lungs wake her up even further. She looks at Caleb. 

“Do you really think they’ll be able to track us back here?” she asks. 

“No,” Caleb admits. “No one followed you, and Caduceus is quite a nonentity to people like this.”

“That’s what I thought,” Beau mutters. “Which means you just wanted to keep Nott out of this. So, is this the part where you finally tell me who you really are?”

“I am the same person I have been this whole time, Beauregard.”

“You know what I’m talking about,” she groans. “The civilian act never fooled any of us, but I know the rest of them just think you were some two bit con artist who could act. But I’ve been watching you, Widogast. The way you move is distinctive.”

“Is it?” Caleb asks. “And what does it tell you?”

“Either that you’re some self-taught prodigy, which is scary,” Beau says, “or that you were trained by someone the Cobalt Soul has never heard of, and that’s even scarier.”

“You haven’t told the others this,” he says. 

“Not my secret to tell,” Beau says. “You don’t actually want to tell me your shit, which is good, because I was getting real worried that you were involved with this bastard.”

“I’m not,” Caleb says.

“I know,” Beau says, and she wraps an arm around his shoulders. He lets her. “If you aren’t spilling secrets, then why don’t you want Nott coming with us, then?”

“We can’t run a con on Lorenzo,” Caleb says. “Or, we could, perhaps, but we won’t. I know where the Iron Shepherds are located. No grifts, just a retrieval mission. We go in. We kill every last one of them..”

“You think she wouldn’t come along with us if you let her?” Beau asks. “She’d be good at it.”

“But she shouldn’t have to be,” Caleb says, locking eyes on her. “The blood stays on our hands. Alone.”

“That’s a lot of people, for just the two of us.”

“Ja, it is,” Caleb says. “We could do this, I am sure. But if you have any contacts nearby who you trust, I would call them. We are doing this tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow?” Beau asks. “That isn’t any prep time.”

“The only preparations necessary will be gathering supplies,” Caleb says. “This is not a particularly complicated mission, Beauregard.”

“Yeah. Sure.” she says. “I’ll make my calls. And Caleb? Promise me, whatever happens to either of us, we kill those bastards, and we get them out of there.”

“I promise,” Caleb says. “We are the fucked up assholes, ja? This is what we are good at.”

* * *

Dairon doesn’t pick up. She doesn’t trust anyone else at the Cobalt Soul, because she’s pretty sure they’re pissed about the whole criminal thing, and probably want to get her arrested or whatever, and it isn’t like she cared about any of them anyways. That leaves her shadier contacts. Most of those don’t pick up at all, either because they’re busy or the number’s dead, or they’re dead, or they don’t feel like dealing with her shit, which, fair. 

The ones who do pick up are all out of town, or too busy, or aren’t willing to take on a suicide job with only a day’s notice. 

In the end, the only person who comes is Keg. Which is surprising, because they weren’t even all that close. 

“If you’re taking down the Iron Shepherds, I’m in,” Keg says. “But these guys are scary tough, and no offense, your friend looks like he’s kind of a wimp.”

“I am very much a wimp,” Caleb admits. “I am sure you could beat me quite easily in a fight. But we are not fighting, we are killing. And I am very good at killing.” As he says that, he puts another gun in another holster. 

Keg mutters something under her breath that neither of them catch, and finishes arming herself up as well. “You’re not grabbing any guns?” she asks Beau. 

“Nah, I’m sticking with the ones I brought,” she says, and flexes. “I’ll be fine. You know, my fists are registered deadly weapons.”

“Really?” Keg asks. “Is there a government file declaring your punches super deadly, or,”

“Not literally,” Beau groans. “I’ve never done a single piece of paperwork in my life and that is never going to change.”

“Beauregard is, perhaps, a greater threat unarmed than we are with all of this,” Caleb notes. “Are you ready for this?” he asks. 

It’s twenty past midnight, now, and they’re within sight of the Sour Nest, which is just far enough out of the city that the night time means everything’s quiet. 

“Fuck yeah,” Beau says. “Let’s go kill some slavers.”

* * *

When all is said and done, the Sour Nest is littered with the bodies of the dead, no innocent or captive among them. If any of the Iron Shephards were still alive, it was only because they hadn’t been there at the time. There were no survivors. 

They send Shakaste and the people who had been held prisoner back to the house, the one that Jester had bought for the group of them. Everyone except for Fjord, Jester and Yasha, still unconscious from the drugs that Lorenzo had put in them. Keg and Beau depart to reconnect, and Caleb drives the three of them to Caduceus. 

Fjord is the first to stir, but after a momentary panic, he finds himself, in the backseat of the car, unbound and surrounded by friends, and he falls into a more natural sleep easily enough,

It is Jester, in the front seat, who wakes first and wakes for real. 

“You came,” she says. Her voice is smaller than it has ever been before. “I thought you didn’t run missions, Caleb.”

“I am just the driver,” he tells her.

“We’re not going back to the house,” Jester points out, staring at the unfamiliar city streets. “Is the house okay? Did it explode again?”

“The house is fine,”  Caleb says. “I am taking you to see Mollymauk. I thought you would want to know he was alright as soon as you woke up.”

“Molly?” Jester asks. “What happened to Molly? Is he okay”

“Ah, that happened after, I assume,” Caleb says. “He is fine. Everyone is alive. You don’t need to worry.”

Jester nods, slowly, and curls in on herself a little from where she is in the driver’s seat. “I knew you guys were going to come,” she says, again. “I knew it.”

Nott is still awake, by the time they return to Caduceus’ house, and so is Caduceus, who welcomes all of them in and helps carry Yasha, still sleeping, to lie on the couch. He starts to treat her wounds, the most serious of the three, as Fjord and Jester go to Molly’s side. 

Molly stirs as they enter, but doesn’t quite wake up, not even when Jester presses her hand lightly against his bandaged chest. 

“He’s going to be alright,” she says. “The Traveler is watching over him.”

With that assurance, she’s able to have a proper, non-drug induced sleep. 

Which leaves Caleb with Nott. 

“You should have brought me,” Nott says, in a quiet hiss. “I may not be, I don’t know, whatever you and Beau are, but I’ve killed before, and I can do it again. I would do it again, for the people I care about.”

“I know,” Caleb admits. “But I do not want that for you, liebling. You are a good person, Nott the Brave. You shouldn’t have to do such things.”

“I am a professional criminal,” Nott points ot. “You and Beau are good people too, you know.”

“Beauregard might be,” Caleb mutters. “But I gave that up a long time ago.”

“I don’t care what you are,” Nott says. “You’re my friend. You’re my best friend. And if you cut me out again I am gonna stab you. Tell me not to go, and I won’t go, but tell me, okay? No more lies.

“Every day, I lie to you,” he says. “My name is not Caleb Widogast.”

“Do you think any of us are using our real names?” Nott asks. “I don’t care who you were. You’re Caleb, now. My Caleb. And we’re a team. Caleb and Nott.”

“The two of us against the world,” Caleb murmurs. 

“And the rest of these fuckers, riding on our coattails,” Nott finishes. 

“No more lies,” Caleb tells her. “I won’t trick you like that again. I promise you.”

“Also, I’m so glad you’re over the whole I’m a civilian crap,” Nott continues. “Cause oh my gods we really need to replace Fjord as the mastermind, here, he’s so bad at it. And it wasn’t like you were  fooling anyone, anyways, and besides….”

They keep their voices quiet, so as not to wake their friends. It doesn’t take much time before they join the rest in sleep as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: this covers the iron shepherds arc. mentions of human trafficking and violence, and various implications inherent to the iron shepherds, but nothing explicit. 
> 
> molly lives. and if i were writing a proper fic would probably be taking a sophie-esque leave of absence, but since this is a drabble collection....nah you'll still be seeing him.


	14. masterminds

“So,” Jester says, leaning forward. “When’s our next job?” She looks over at Fjord with wide, expectant eyes. 

“I don’t know,” Fjord says. “I haven’t looked over any clients.”

“Why not?” Jester asks. “I know we said we were going to take a break, but everyone’s back except for Yasha and she goes wandering, like, all the time,so now’s as good a time to get back to work as any.”

“I’m not going to be running any more jobs. Ever. I’m stepping down as mastermind.”

A long silence fills the room, as they look around at the rest of them. 

“So, are you leaving, or-” Molly asks. 

“I don’t know,” Fjord says. 

“Wasn’t the entire point that you were in charge?” Beau asks. “You know, a bunch of asshole criminals doing good because you were the one telling us who to fuck up? Because you’re the one good person?”

“All of you are good people,” Fjord  says. “Probably even better than I am. You’d all be better masterminds too, probably. You wouldn’t make all of the stupid mistakes that nearly got us all killed.”

“Speaking as the one who got killed-”

“You didn’t die,” Beau grumbles. “You were totally fine.”

“Speaking as the one who got brutally murdered,” Molly says, “you’ve been doing fine. Mistakes happen, and it was on all of us. You don’t need to step down.”

“If Fjord doesn’t think he can lead us, then he can’t,” Nott says. “He’s gonna be all weird and angsty about it and it’ll make him even shittier than he normally is. We need a replacement.”

“And that’s gonna be you?” Beau asks, warily. 

“Are you saying I wouldn’t be a great mastermind?!”

“Well, if it is only a temporary thing, then I could do it,” Jester says. “I mean, technicallly I am already running all of the missions technically so I am kind of the best option.”

“If our options are Jester and Nott, I might as well step into the ring,” Molly adds. 

“Are you saying we couldn’t do it?”

“I’m saying I could do it better.”

“No, but we’re pretty good at running cons, you know, and at organizing things, I’m pretty sure we could do just as good a job as you.”

“Honestly, all three of you would probably suck.”

“I don’t see you stepping forward.”

“Just because i don’t like authority doesn’t mean-”

“You’ve never run a con before-”

“You can’t even keep your own backstory straight-”

“Your plans would devolve into blowing everything up-”

“Like seducing people is a plan-”

“We all remember who’s fault the thing with the alpaca was-”

There is a long, slow creak, as a door is pushed open, and Caleb joins them in the main room, the rapidly devolving kerfuffle pausing as everyone turns to stare at him, a look he matches, completely deadpan. “I heard you are looking for a new mastermind, ja?” he says. 

“Caleb!” Jester squeals. “Are you going to start commiting crimes with us?”

“If this is what is going to happen if I do not,” Caleb remarks, looking around at all of them, “I think it is best that I join you.”

“I vote Caleb as the new mastermind!” Nott says quickly. “Forever and ever because we all know he’s going to be way better at it than Fjord.”

“Have you gotten meaner?” Fjord asks. 

“I’ve always been this mean,” Nott grumbles. “You just started being a way easier target.”

“Forever is a pretty long time,” Molly remarks. “But I’ve always wanted to see you run a con, Caleb. You have my vote.”

“Are we voting?” Beau asks. “Is this a thing?”

“Do you have any better ideas?” Nott asks.

“Pretty sure you know where I stand, Caleb,” Beau says with a shrug.

“That’s not an answer,” Molly tells her. 

“Yeah, well, you don’t get to call me on the cryptic bullshit when you won’t even give a clean answer about how old you are,” Beau retorts. “Caleb’s a smart dude. He’ll be great at all that mastermindy bullshit.”

Jester mulls over her answer for a few moments. “I kind of want to be leader,” she says. “I think it would be really fun. But I also really want Caleb to join the group and if this is how he wants to do that I mean that’s pretty cool too.”

“You can still be the leader of the group,” Caleb says. “And I will be the mastermind.”

“Does that mean I get to choose all the codenames?”

“You already choose all the codenames,” Beau points out. 

“Yeah, but now it’s official!”

“Fjord?” Caleb asks. “What do you think.”

“What I think doesn’t really matter,” Fjord says. “I’m not in charge, anymore.”

“Ja, but you are still a part of this group. Even if you are not behind the schemes, you are still a very talented grifter and I would hope you do not leave. And this is an important decision that deserves input from everyone.”

“Is Jes actually going to be the leader?” Fjord asks. 

“Of course,” Caleb says. “I am just here to keep you all from doing something stupid. A difficult task, but I’ve known you all long enough that I think I can handle it.”

“I vote Caleb,” Fjord says, with a shrug. 

“Yes! This is going to be so much fun!” Jester exclaims. “Alright, let’s get to work!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after 15k...caleb has finally joined the mighty nein.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Dagger of Aqu'Abi](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20246458) by [nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife)




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